My Companion Always Talks About Herself: Is It Time to Cut Her Off?

I have been close companions with a woman, a person who's overcome several hardships, which I admire. But, she has been often blindsided by people. Her spouse ended their marriage, and it was a huge shock. Several of her social circle drifted away during that time, because they seemed focused solely on the spouse. This surprised her deeply. She put in greater energy to be my friend, and must have realised more acutely the essence of true friendship.

A Recurring Theme With Friends Drifting Away

Throughout this period, several of her friends vanished without her being sure why. The company she worked for suddenly changed toward her, even though she had been very skilled at her work, and she left without knowing why things shifted.

How Things Stand Now

Recently, we've both left the workforce leading to more frequent meetups, but I am finding the part I play in our friendship is to listen. I introduce subjects and she changes them to her own topics. Politically, she expresses strong opinions. I attempt to suggest factchecking and alternate views.

She has been arranging a vacation abroad I know well on several occasions and lived in for some time. I attempted to share advice, but this was unappreciated. She really only wanted validation of her decisions. I've just ended four weeks in that country and she wants to meet, but I don't.

Considering the Choices

I don't want to act as a friend that walks away abruptly, but I don't think she can comprehend the consequences of how she acts on my confidence. Currently, I find myself in pulling back. What should I do?

Potential Solutions

It's possible to cut and run, however, that approach is rarely a smooth outcome that we desire. But confrontation with a view to working things out requires bravery and readiness for each of you.

Therapists recommend trying a useful conflict resolution tool:

"Step one requires explaining how things go during your discussions. Aim for this to be as factual as possible like exactly what occurs. The second is to tell the way it makes you feel. Ideally, there's no disagreement here. What you feel belong to you, of course. Step three is to question ways you together will alter the interaction between you."

Consider your friend has her own side, thus requiring you to stay open to listen to her. An approach that works is telling her:

"Now you talk and I'm going to not say anything for half an hour."

Key Takeaways

She may dismiss all you say, as some people have a “survival narrative”: they have a story about themselves they cannot release as it feels essential relies on it and it's all they've known. This poses a challenge when there seems no clear path in such cases, mere obstacles. Yet she could at first react like this before reflecting about what you've said. And even if you never reach an agreement, it will give you satisfaction knowing you were open and direct.